I got me a ham in the mail.
It's a country ham. I'm from Virginia, and nobody I know eats Virginia ham. We eat country ham. Redeye-type ham. There's so much salt in these things that they sink in the Dead Sea. There's so much salt in these things that you have to wear double-gloves, preferably leather on the outside, latex on the inside, or your hands chap. There's so much salt in these things that you have to sign a release form at the Post Office.
I love country ham. We simmer them for 20 minutes a pound and then peel off the fat and scrape off the mold. Farmer, spare that turkey!